What is jealousy?

Jealousy is a negative reaction directed towards the possibility of losing something of yours to somebody else. Unlike envy, it usually involves people rather than objects or possessions. Envy usually involves just two people, jealousy usually three. We have all experienced these emotions before. Part love, part hate, and combined… so powerful! You have something and somebody else threatens to take it away. If you are a jealous person, you are probably more than aware of the damage it can cause. A little jealousy is to be expected, it is routed from fear. Everybody gets scared of losing something they cherish so dearly. But we have to stop that jealousy taking over because it can destroy the very thing you are trying to protect.

Jealousy is a hard thing to conquer, and it will take constant effort to shake off some fears, but it will be better for you and your relationships in the future. You need to first establish what triggers your jealousy. There will be something that makes you do that ‘crazy inside your head‘ thing. You become distant, withdrawn, and unable to really interact with your surroundings because of the images you have instilled in your mind. Some examples are:

Romantic partner interacting with members of the opposite sex.  -A co-worker, friend, ex etc. Simply a fear of cheating with somebody you see as better than you in some way.

A child seeming to prefer the company of somebody else. – Parental insecurities, feeling inadequate.

A parent paying attention to their new partner – Fear of being cast aside by those you love, that the affection usually directed at you will be channeled elsewhere.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693

So how do we deal with it?

Hold your tongue. When you feel jealousy engulfing you, try not to act in a destructive way. This benefits nobody. Do not accuse, and do not give that person the cold shoulder. There is nothing worse than being on the receiving end of a mood when you cannot even comprehend what it is that you have done wrong. If your partner is talking to somebody else, leave them to it. You might not like the situation, but you must trust your partner, or at least make an effort within yourself to trust them. Even if it makes you crazy inside you must not let it out at this precise moment. Jealousy can destroy a relationship in a few stupid seconds, and there are some things you simply cannot apologize for. By all means discuss your jealous feelings with your partner at a later time, once you have calmed down you can have a civilized conversation without running your mouth on raw emotions and accusation. If you create argument after argument through jealousy, you can be genuinely sorry afterwards. But there is only so many times you can apologize for the same thing. People do not like to be falsely accused, and may forgive you many times. But there will always be one time too many.

Jealousy is often not a reaction to the behavior of somebody else, but your interpretation of what you believe their behavior stands for. Their behavior might not actually indicate any initial cause for concern. But you create a scenario in your mind that may not have happened, or may not ever happen. And this is destructive. For example, your child could be playing with another adult. The child is not doing anything wrong, but you feel resentful and jealous because you feel the child is choosing them over you, when this is not the case.

So why do we get jealous?

Usually associated with insecurity and low- self esteem jealousy is often a deep rooted fear of abandonment. You believe a person will one day withdraw their love and affection because you are simply not good enough. But realize that other peoples choices and decisions in life are not a direct reflection of you. If you are rejected or ridiculed it is not always because you have failed. Sometimes things in life just do not work out the way we want them to. We can put our all into a relationship, follow every piece of good advice anybody can give you. But it won’t guarantee success. Because peoples minds and hearts do not conform to rules. Everybody is different and you cannot make choices for them. If things do not work out the best thing you can do is take what you can from the experience. Learn from it, and you will be stronger in the future.

We established earlier that jealousy often is connected to feeling you are not as good as somebody else. Then stop comparing yourself to other people! You are you! As unique and special as anybody else. Some people seem to have it all. Good looks, fast cars, money to burn. But these people do not live problem-free lives. And they are also not able to guarantee happiness any more than me or you. Even celebrities have problems. Their fame, fortune and flourishing careers cannot stop them from being hurt. They still get cheated on, have breakdowns, or even lose everything. Many people are good at fronting. They are able to create a big smoke screen over their problems and live seemingly happy lives in front of unsuspecting eyes. But people close to that person will know they have hidden struggles. Their lives are just not characterized by jealousy. They do not live their life in fear of losing everything. So stop trying to be somebody else. You need to focus on what you bring to the table, and realize that if somebody is with you it is because they like who you are. Nobody would get into a relationship with somebody if that person was not what they wanted.

People often feel like they own somebody, or are entitled to all of their time. The idea of being in love is to SHARE your life with somebody else, make them a part of it and vice-versa. The idea is NOT to make that person your entire life. You need to consider just how much of this persons time you need or feel you are entitled to. If they wont give you any of their time then you have every right to feel rejected. But if they are already giving you a reasonable amount and it is not enough, or perhaps you want all of their time? Then you must realize your needs are possibly unhealthy. Very few couples spend ALL of their spare time together. If you make your entire life all about one person, you are left with nothing if it doesn’t work out. Then you have to build a new life alone with nobody around you to help you. Find hobbies, activities and other people to divide your time between and you will find your jealousy easier to deal with. Jealousy bites hardest when your partner has something to do and you do not. Perhaps they have a night out and you are sat on your own with nothing to do. The mind is bored and starts making up possible scenarios, which although probably pure fiction, make you jealous.

I’ve spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart.
~Astrid Alauda

If you get jealous easy it is probably because you have been screwed over in the past. Many of us inadvertently project our fears of being hurt onto somebody new when they have done nothing wrong. The question you need to ask yourself is ‘has this person done anything to make you distrust them.’ If the answer is no, then you need to give them credit for this and not treat them as if they have. If the answer is yes, then my friend it is time to forgive and forget. A clean slate should mean a clean slate and whatever they did wrong in the past should not be used as leverage to win future arguments. If the pair of you choose to stay together as a couple, then it is because that is what both partners want. So you have to let go of whatever it is they have done. If you do not, then the relationship is doomed and will be repeatedly pushed to its limits and torn apart by jealousy.

Jealousy is a fear-based behavior. You are wasting a lot of time an effort worrying about something bad that has not happened yet, and may not happen at all. Time and effort that could be used positively to make your relationship better. By being jealous you are increasing the likelihood of something bad happening. If you constantly accuse somebody because you are afraid of losing them. The outcome is, you will probably lose them. It is ironic how many relationships jealousy tears apart, yet it stems from a fear of the relationship falling apart in the first place.

Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive. You MUST stay positive. Be thankful for what you have and remember that if somebody is going to hurt you, there is nothing you can do to stop it. No amount of jealous outbursts, nagging, accusing, monitoring, snooping, crying, begging or pleading will prevent you from being hurt. If you believe in somebody, then believe in them 100%. If you do not trust them completely how can you love them completely. You are holding back emotionally and this is a negative reaction. Benefit of the doubt is essential for any relationship to work.

If you can’t trust somebody, if they repeatedly cheat, lie, or deceive you then you must not associate with them. Move on… You deserve better.

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